ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
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My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
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