🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
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I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Good news
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Ooh I do like a good funnel
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside