SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
You Might Also Like
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
We’re all getting idioter.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…