just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
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professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.