*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
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If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I’m not stressed
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse