I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
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If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.