[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
You Might Also Like
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
True statement👍😏😁
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
San Francisco has too many rules
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75