The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Miscakes
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze