5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Hot hot hot 🥵
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
This was my dad’s browser history.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.