JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite