*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
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If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in