“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
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WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box