I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
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Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.