Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”