[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
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If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.