Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
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Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*