Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I didn’t come here to be called names
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.