GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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U talkin 2 me?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”