At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
You Might Also Like
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.