Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
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One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.