I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
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i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Where’s my employee discount too?
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars