There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Succinctly put.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.