Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
You Might Also Like
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.