No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
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her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>