A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
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A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.