If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
You Might Also Like
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Why soy sad?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers