3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
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My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Please do it!
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible