My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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Lucky old June.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I think the cat got the dog high.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.