Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
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During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
do u think theres a butter planet?
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel