American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You Might Also Like
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu