i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family