Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
sugar glider wrangler
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there