Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
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THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out