[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
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No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!