Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.