“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
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He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans