Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Black Friday “markdowns” like
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no