Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
When libraries troll their patrons.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker