Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
You Might Also Like
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Every. Damn. Time.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”