*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests