Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.