teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
and now we wait
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations