Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
how to market bottled water to dads
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?