THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Meme Monday.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*jingles half the way*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My god she’s good.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.