It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
You Might Also Like
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Guy who likes music
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.