I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
My blood type is b hungry.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.