PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
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Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She鈥檚 Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I鈥檓 not even sorry.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
sorry but I鈥檓 allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I鈥檝e been in a very dork place lately.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I love triscuits. It鈥檚 like eating a basket
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven鈥檛 pushed everything off it yet. you can鈥檛.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this