Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
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there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for