GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
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My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
This made me smile…
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend: