me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Get off my horse you stupid moon
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.